The Jobseeker's Checklist
Week One
o Create New Job Search File
o Update Résumé and Cover Letter
o Start Daily Positive Affirmation Journal
o Choose Job Search Support/Cheer Buddy
o Tape Small Job Search Timeline Schedule to Wall
o Search Online Job Boards for Dream Job
o Send Out a Handful of Applications
o Update Job Search File
o Iron ‘Interview’ Suit
o Make Special "Job Search Reward" Cocktail (Organic Infused Vodka, Fresh Squeezed Juice, Homemade Simple Syrup over a Bartender’s Ice Cube with Hand-zested Lemon Rind Curls)
o Send Smiley Emoji Text to Job Search Support/Cheer Buddy
o Receive Text from Job Search Support/Cheer Buddy Recommending ZIF HR Services and Respond With “Don’t Need It!” Along With a String of Super Smiley Emojis
Week Two
o Check Email and Phone for Responses to Applications and Interview Requests
o Check Telecommunications Provider Website for Service Disruption Messages
o Write a Week’s Worth of Positive Affirmations in Journal
o Search Online Job Boards for Ideal Job
o Re-tweak Résumé and Cover Letter
o Send Out More Applications
o Call “The Exclusive Recruitment Agency”
o Update Job Search File
o Make Special “Job Search Reward” Cocktail (Organic Infused Vodka, Juice, Homemade Simple Syrup over Regular Ice Cubes with a Squeeze of Lemon)
o Send Thumbs Up Emoji Text to Job Search Support/Cheer Buddy
Week Three
o Check Email and Phone for Responses to Applications and Interview Requests
o Call Telecommunications Provider Customer Support to Confirm No Service Disruptions
o Underline & Star Positive Affirmations in Journal
o Dig Out Stress Ball from Desk Drawer
o Tape a Small Extension Panel to Job Search Timeline Schedule on Office Wall
o Follow Up with “The Exclusive Recruitment Agency”
o Call the “Awesomely Average Recruitment Agency” & the “Jobs O’Plenty Recruitment Agency”
o Insert a “Highlights” Section on Résumé and Cover Letter
o Search Online Job Boards for Jobs in My Field
o Send Out Dozens of Applications
o Update Job Search File
o Squeeze Stress Ball X 100
o Put Cold Pack on Wrist
o Make Special "Job Search Reward" Cocktail (Vodka, Juice, a Splash of Sprite over the Last Ice Cube Left in the Tray Which is Half Formed & Slightly Off Looking)
o Send a Multitude of Texts to Job Search Support/Cheer Buddy With Frown-y Face Emojis
Week Four
o Check Email and Phone for Responses to Applications and Interview Requests
o Speak to Manager of Telecommunications Provider Customer Support Department and Insist on Another Check to Truly Confirm No Service Disruptions
o Follow Up with the “Awesomely Average Recruitment Agency” & the “Jobs O’Plenty Recruitment Agency”
o Call the “Pure Volume Recruitment Agency” and the “Last Gasp Recruitment Agency”
o Cross Out ‘Positive Affirmation’ and Write in Black Sharpie Pen 'Rant Journal!!!'
o Completely Re-write Résumé and Cover Letter
o Search Online Job Boards for Jobs in Related Fields
o Send Out Reams of Applications
o Update Job Search File
o Squeeze Stress Ball with Non-Dominant Hand X 100
o Put Cold Pack on Both Wrists
o Make Special “Job Search Reward” Cocktail (Vodka, a Bunch of Flat Sprite, No Ice)
o Send a 153 Texts and Leave 28 Voicemails for Job Search Support/Cheer Buddy with Various Expletive Filled Messages Around the Job Search
Week Five
o Send Apology Flowers to Former Job Search Support/Cheer Buddy
o Look for New Job Search Support/Cheer Buddy
o Check Email and Phone for Responses to Applications and Interview Requests
o Speak to Director of Telecommunications Provider Customer Support Department and Demand a Complete Service Disruption Check of Entire System
o Follow Up with “Pure Volume Recruitment Agency” and the “Last Gasp Recruitment Agency”
o Write 10 Pages in Rant Journal – Use Block Capital Letters and Underline Everything
o Rip Down Job Search Timeline Schedule on Office Wall and Tear Up into Tiny Pieces
o Search Online Job Boards for a Job (Any Job)
o Set Up Automatic Application Bot to Send Unending Stream of Résumés Everywhere
o Kick Job Search File Across Room
o Squeeze Stress Ball Constantly
o Make Emergency Physiotherapy Appointment
o Make Special “Job Search Reward” Cocktail (Vodka, Dregs of Flat Sprite in a Dirty Beer Stein)
o Scream at Caller from Charitable Organization for “Tying Up the Line” & “Getting Hopes Up”
Week Six
o Send Apology Note and Small Donation to Caller from Charitable Organization
o Put on Physiotherapist Recommended Wrist Splints
o Scroll Through Rejection Texts from Potential Job Search Support/Cheer Buddies
o Check Email and Phone for Responses to Applications and Interview Requests
o Play Voicemail Message!!!
o Listen to VP of Telecommunications Provider Say Words like “Banned” and “Discontinuing All Services Immediately”
o Sign Up With New Telecommunications Provider
o Use Up All Pages in Current Rant Journal and Start New Rant Journal
o Make Special “Job Search Reward” Cocktail (Vodka – Straight from the Bottle)
o Sob Uncontrollably and Use Previously Ironed ‘Interview’ Suit as Tissue
Week Seven
o Burn Job Search File, Ripped Bits of Job Search Timeline Schedule, and Rant Journals in Kitchen Sink
o Make Special “Job Search Reward” Cocktail (Pour Remnants of 8 Different Alcohol Bottles Found in the Liquor Cabinet into a Large Mason Jar and Shake Vigorously)
o Snooze on Couch Using ‘Interview’ Suit as a Blanket
Week Eight
o Continuously Top Up Mason Jar and Lie on Couch in Wrinkled, Tear Stained, ‘Interview’ Suit Watching the Movie “Office Space” on a Loop
o Scroll Through Old Texts Zooming in on the ZIF HR Recommendation – Send Email With ‘911 Job Search Emergency!!’ as Subject Title and Sit Back in Relief
In a shameless plug for ZIF HR most of the events in weeks 3 through 8 could have been avoided if only this particular jobseeker had contacted ZIF earlier…
