What to Do About The Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Feeling of Not Getting the Job

Last summer I applied for an opportunity I really wanted.  I put in tons of effort, I had to jump through a lot of hoops, but it didn’t go my way.  An awful pit-in-my-stomach feeling popped up whenever I thought about it.  I knew I’d be good in the role, but I guess that’s not how the evaluator saw it.  I didn't get short-listed for the position. (Which was not confirmed for me until weeks and weeks and weeks after the initial awkward interview – double ugh.)

The bad news was it cast a depressing shadow over the last part of my summer.  It temporarily dinged my self-confidence.  And it bugged me that it bugged me.

The good news was it intensely re-connected me to how my coaching clients feel when they’re job searching.  I’m always empathetic, but it was an excellent reminder of exactly how it feels.  (It forking sucks!)

But I got over it and figured out how best to do so.  The key, to quote my ice hockey skills coach*, is this: 

 “Feeling   Thinking   Knowing   Doing.”

Feeling

You need to lean into the bad feelings.  

That seems counter-intuitive because all anybody usually wants to do is to escape them, distance from them, make those feelings go away.  But hear me out on this one.  Ignoring or trying to quickly move past it isn’t helpful.  The feelings are there for a reason whether you acknowledge them or not.  Let’s get in there and figure out what those feelings are.  

Is it anger?  (Thanks for making me go through 5 rounds of super positive interviews and don’t offer me the job?!!)  Ego kick?  (How come I wasn’t the one that got picked??)  Frustration?  (Forking fork!!  Now I have to start all over again!!!)  Panic?  (I needed that job!  I was counting on that job!  How am I supposed to pay the rent??)  Embarrassment?  (I told a bunch of my friends it was going so well and now nothing – no job offer.  I feel like I jinxed it.)  Confusion?  (It seemed like they liked me so much and then no – not me.)  Self-doubt?  (It feels like I should have gotten that job – maybe I’m not as good as I think I am….).  Or??

Try to open up to everything you’re feeling.  Wallow in it.  Let yourself feel it all because there’s likely going to be more than one emotion.  It’s difficult to face bad feelings, but opening yourself up to it means you will emotionally bounce back from the situation stronger.  (And maybe faster too.)

Thinking

Once you acknowledge or understand what you are feeling that clears the way for the thinking phase.  This is where you get analytical.  I don’t want you to drive yourself crazy, but contemplate your experience.  It can be tough to be objective (I mean it’s about you and usually you’re too close to yourself to be objective) – but do your best.  

It helps to reverse your position and put yourself in the shoes of the employer/interviewer.  What would you be looking for if you had to hire for the role rather than apply for the role?  When you think about it from that perspective it’s easier to see where you might have emphasized different skills, given more examples, researched the organization more deeply, etc. etc.  You can understand how someone else might have been a stronger candidate or what you might have done differently to showcase your talents more effectively.  

Also, do some thinking about your impression of the organization.  Maybe upon further reflection you realize it wouldn’t have been such a great place for you to work after all.  It not working out could actually be saving you for something better.

Knowing

This is the hardest one.  You might not get to “true knowing.”  Having a contact in the organization or some other avenue for insider information is helpful.  If you do have a contact see if you can get some kind of honest feedback as to how your application or interview was received.  But don’t be surprised if you can’t make that happen.  For many reasons it’s difficult (even impossible) to get real feedback because there tends to be no incentive or upside for an organization to give you the truth.

There’s another way you may get some insight into “knowing”.  Contact the recruiter (or person you were dealing with) and ask “I know I wasn’t the best fit for this role, but I’m still interested in the organization – do you think there might be a better fit with a future opportunity?” 

Analyze the response.  Are you getting a resounding “YES”?  Is the person saying something vague like “they will keep your info on file”?  Or are you being discouraged/put off with messaging along the lines of “the organization doesn’t do much hiring”?  The enthusiasm of the response (or lack thereof) can give you a good sense of “knowing” where you really stand.  

Doing

While there is some doing in all steps the “doing” referenced in this section is all your efforts and activity that you undertake to get hired into a great job.  Don’t let yourself get sidelined by this experience.  If you think you could do some things better next time – terrific, you learned from the experience.  If you feel you gave it your best shot – then your time will come.  The trick is to keep going.  Keep trying as many different avenues as you can think of to get hired.  Double down on the “doing” and eventually the right role will be yours.

And there you have it, the made-in-Canada, sports coach-approved advice to effectively process your terrible, no good, very bad feelings about not getting the job.  Everything you need to mentally stick-handle your way into better feelings management for the next time.

*  I realize referencing a “hockey skills coach” may seem to indicate I play in the big leagues.  I don’t.  I’m just a long-standing beginner trying to claw her way up to being a respectable intermediate in a women’s rec- hockey house league.